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Psicologa Psicoterapeuta » *Frammenti sparsi*

*Frammenti sparsi*

Non mi interessa che …

Non mi interessa che lavoro fai. Voglio sapere per che cosa soffri, e se osi sognare di soddisfare l’anelito del tuo cuore.

Non mi interessa conoscere quanti anni hai. Voglio sapere se, a costo di renderti ridicola, correrai il rischio di inseguire l’amore, i sogni, l’avventura di essere viva.

Non mi interessa sapere quali pianeti sono in quadratura con il tuo segno zodiacale. Voglio sapere se hai toccato il centro del tuo dolore, se ti sei aperta, davanti ai tradimenti della vita o ti sei ripiegata su te stessa o ti sei chiusa per paura di soffrire ancora! Voglio sapere se riesci a convivere con il dolore, il mio ​​o il tuo, senza muovere un dito per nasconderlo, attenuarlo o alterarlo.

Voglio sapere se puoi vivere con la gioia, che sia la mia o la tua; se puoi danzare con la pazzia e lasciare che l’estasi ti riempia fino alla punta delle dita senza ammonirci di stare attenti, di essere realisti ne rammentarci i limiti di noi, esseri umani.

Non mi interessa sapere se la storia che mi racconti è vera. Voglio sapere se riesci a deludere un altro per essere fedele a te stessa; se tu puoi sopportare l’accusa di tradimento senza tradire la tua anima. Voglio sapere se sai essere fedele e quindi affidabile.

Voglio sapere se riesci a vedere la bellezza anche se non è bella da vedere ogni giorno, e se puoi trarre vitalità dalla presenza di Dio.

Voglio sapere se puoi convivere con il fallimento, il tuo e il mio, e in piedi sul bordo del lago continuare a gridare all’argento della luna piena, “Sì!”

Non mi interessa sapere dove vivi o quanti soldi hai. Voglio sapere se, dopo una notte di angoscia e disperazione, riesci ad alzarti esausta, con il dolore nelle ossa, e fare il tuo dovere per i figli.

Non mi interessa chi sei, come sei arrivata fin qui. Voglio sapere se resterai con me in mezzo al fuoco senza tirarti indietro.

Non mi interessa dove o che cosa o con chi hai studiato. Voglio sapere cosa ti sostiene dentro, quando tutto il resto crolla.

Voglio sapere se sai stare sola con te stessa; e se ti piace davvero la compagnia che tieni a te stessa nei momenti vuoti.

(Oriah  Dreamer Mountain, L’Invito, HarperONE, San Francisco, 1999)

Se desideri aiutare …

Una scimmia e un pesce furono sorpresi da una terribile alluvione e rischiavano di essere trascinati via da torrenti di acqua e detriti. La scimmia scorse un ramo di un albero alla sua portata e lo tirò a sé per mettersi in salvo dall’acqua turbinosa. Poi, volendo aiutare anche il suo amico pesce, tornò nell’acqua, lo prese e depositò anche lui sul ramo.

La morale della storia è: “Le buone intenzioni non sono tutto. Se desideri aiutare il pesce devi conoscerne la Natura.” (Antica fiaba cinese)

Vivere nell’amore per cinquant’anni

“Una donna ha potuto vivere nell’amore per cinquant’anni vivendolo con cinque uomini diversi e, racconta:“Quando ci siamo sposati era un giovane uomo idealista, forte e vigoroso, poi si è trasformato in un lavoratore accanito. All’inizio non amavo quest’uomo che lavorava troppo ma ho imparato a conoscerlo e ad amarlo. Poi ho incontrato un uomo nella piena crisi dei  quarant’anni: si è disinteressato al lavoro, e ha scoperto nuovi interessi che, anche in questo caso, ho imparto ad apprezzare. Alla fine, è diventato un vecchio raggrinzito, ingobbito e con la pancia, con cui ora condivito la mia vita. Non vedo più il giovane uomo che ho sposato cinquant’anni fa, ma apprezzo adesso la sua saggezza e per la quinta volta mi sono innamorata di lui.”

(P. O’Hanlon Hudson e W. Hudson O’Hanlon, Rewriting love stories. Brief  marital therapy, New York, 1993)


Scendi dal treno di vita sbagliato

[...] Questo monotono faticare e lamentarsi [...] mi ricorda una storiella.

C’è un uomo su un accelerato, che ad ogni stazione si sporge dal  finestrino, legge il nome della località ed emette un gemito. Dopo quattro o cinque stazioni, la persona seduta di fronte a lui gli chiede preoccupata: “Qualcosa non va, si sente male?”. L’uomo risponde: “Sto viaggiando nella direzione sbagliata”. “E perché non scende, allora?”.

“Ma qui c’è un così bel calduccio!” [...]

Spesso ci siamo adeguati fino a non riconoscerci più, abbiamo tradito le nostre aspirazioni, rimosso i nostri desideri. [...] E’ come per l’uomo sul treno. Egli sa di aver sbagliato direzione. Sa che così non potrà mai raggiungere la sua destinazione. Minuto dopo minuto, si allontana, per così dire da se stesso, ma il treno è caldo e accogliente. Scendere dal treno di vita sbagliato e rimettersi in cammino in una nuova direzione costa fatica e richiede forza di volontà. Per questo ci ritraiamo. Come dice una vecchia battuta da sempre in voga tra gli psicoterapeuti “il nevrotico preferisce l’infelicità conosciuta alla felicità sconosciuta”.

(Mathias Jung, Il piccolo principe in noi. Un viaggio di ricerca con Saint Exupéry, Ed. Magi, Roma 2009)


“Essere dipendenti non è una vergogna, ma è una vergogna non fare niente contro le dipendenze”

[...] L’alcolismo è il vertice dei problemi di dipendenza. Un alcolista produce tre quarti in meno del normale e in confronto ad un lavoratore sano si ammala ed è coinvolto in incidenti sul lavoro, rispettivamente, 2,5 volte e 3,5 volte più spesso. In Ricordi di un bevitore Jack London ha scritto: “Sono convinto che su diecimila ed anche centomila uomini non uno solo è un alcolizzato nato. Da quanto ho potuto giudicare, l’abitudine a bere è, si può ben dire, un abitudine del cervello. [...] Non un solo bevitore su di un milione cominciò a bere da solo; tutti cominciano a bere in compagnia e [...] da questo fatto del bere in società derivano mille relazioni sociali”.

La dipendenza dall’alcol, come ho modo di osservare, è causa di straordinaria miseria nella coppia e nella famiglia. Da tempo le assicurazioni riconoscono l’alcolismo come una malattia. Nessuno, a mio avviso, ha descritto il fatale circolo vizioso di questa dipendenza in modo così conciso  e preciso come Sanit-Exupéry.

Il piccolo principe è costernato.

Che cosa fai?” chiese all’ubriacone che sta in silenzio davanti a una collezione di bottiglie vuote e a una collezione di bottiglie piene.

Bevo”, rispose in tono lugubre l’ubriacone.

Perché bevi?”, domandò il piccolo principe?

Per dimenticare”, rispose l’ubriacone.

Per dimenticare che cosa?” si informò il piccolo principe che cominciava già a compiangerlo.

Per dimenticare che ho vergogna” confessò l’ubriacone abbassando la testa. “Vergogna di che?” insistette il piccolo principe che desiderava soccorrerlo. “Vergogna di bere!”  e l’ubriacone si chiuse in un silenzio definitivo.

E’ proprio questo a creare il circolo vizioso, l’incapacità di ogni malato di dipendenza, non solo dell’alcolista, di uscire dalla spirale di colpa, vergogna e bisogno di dimenticare. Inoltre, queste persone – cosa che il piccolo principe non sa – sono molto corteggiate dall’industria e continuamente sedotte.

Come osserva MaJa Langsdorff in Die heimliche Sucht, unheimlich zu essen (La dipendenza segreta, abbuffarsi):L’industria farmaceutica e quella del tabacco, i produttori di videogiochi e quelli di vino, i fabbricanti di alcolici e quelli di birra, l’industria dei dolciumi e molti altri vivono di questo: realizzare prodotti che potenzialmente creano dipendenza”. [...]

[...] Tutto può renderci dipendenti: lavorare, aiutare, le relazioni, i dolciumi, il cibo, l’alcol, il fumo, il sesso, i videogiochi, il gioco, lavorare a maglia, la lettura, la televisione, il telefono, Internet, guidare l’auto, grattarsi. [...]  Dietro una dipendenza c’è sempre un forte desiderio di vita e di amore.  [...] dobbiamo capitolare senza condizioni e fare un esame spietato dell’entità della nostra dipendenza. Dobbiamo abbandonare le nostre fantasie di grandezza e chiedere umilmente aiuto. Per riprendere un motto degli Alcolisti anonimi: “Essere dipendenti non è una vergogna, ma è una vergogna non fare niente contro la dipendenza”.

Esistono svariate sedi in cui trovare l’aiuto necessario, a livello pubblico e privato. Il processo che ci attenderà sarà lungo e doloroso, ma liberatorio. [...]

come trattare un malato di dipendenza:

il piccolo principe se ne andò perplesso. Com’è possibile? Come si può abbandonare un malato? Al posto del piccolo principe non avremmo cercato di convincere l’ubriacone, non gli avremmo nascosto la bottiglia, magari insultandolo un po’, non avremmo minacciato di privarlo del nostro amore, non gli avremmo fatto lunghe prediche, non avremmo resistito accanto a lui a costo di rovinarci la vita? Comportandoci in questo modo saremmo stati co-dipendenti, ovvero complici della persona dipendente. Finché restiamo accanto a questa persona alternando tentativi di persuasione e sfuriate, uscite teatrali e giustificazioni, può continuare a indulgere alla sua dipendenza. Solo se andiamo via, o la poniamo rigorosamente e credibilmente di fronte all’alternativa tra disintossicarsi e chiudere il rapporto, può darsi che trovi la spinta necessaria per uscirne. In terapia, questo si chiama

“aiutare non aiutando”.

.(Mathias Jung, Il piccolo principe in noi. Un viaggio di ricerca con Saint Exupéry, Ed. Magi, Roma 2009)



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